When I paused to ask why I was experiencing this, I had gotten a strong message that my eyes did not want to wear makeup. My eyes wanted to be enough, just as they were. I hadn’t realized that wearing makeup was telling my body that it wasn’t enough, the natural form that it came in somehow wasn’t enough, but as I sat with the message it made so much sense.

Six months later, I sat in meditation and this memory came back to me. It hit me like a freight train on a dark night and I felt sidelined by it. When he said that it was our job to hold the vibration of the container, what he was saying was that it was our job to titrate the participants nervous systems by using sound and vibrational healing which would create the purge of survival energy stuck in the participants nervous systems.

“You make it sound so simple” she said. She slid down from the reiki table and stood up. She stretched a little and then smiled at me and looked me in the eyes “thank you” she said in a way that my soul received deeply. 

The place that I was in and the knowledge that I had was exactly where I was meant to be, I didn’t need her to validate that for me, I didn’t need to wonder if she was judging me in any direction, I didn’t need to fear her feedback or my own flow, I simply needed to be exactly who I was in that moment and allow that to be true and right and perfect for that moment. 

During our somatic session she was able to see that her body was holding onto a fear of dying. This made complete sense to me given the magnitude of her accident. As she released the survival energy that she had been holding in her nervous system from the accident I was able to watch her physical posture shift and move out of protection and into surrender. 

He rushed into the room and paused as he saw the volume of glass on the floor. Then, without speaking he launched into motion as he ran to the cupboard where the broom was kept. My eyes were fixed on the shattered pieces of glass, thinking about the shattered pieces of our lives in the days after his death. 

The moment that I looked at mine my heart sank and the excitement went away. The artist had shown a picture with a beautiful blue stone and the one in my hand had a clear stone on the bottom.

Some part of me felt like a turtle, pulling its head back into its shell and hiding. It took me about 2 seconds to fully feel the sensation, acknowledge what it felt like in my body and then I took a deep breath and felt another shift. This shift felt like empowerment, it was hot and expansive, it was strong and solid and unwavering.

You see, somatic work is subtle, even if it doesn’t feel it in the moment. Somatic work is energy work in the body and when you release an old story that your body is holding and ground your body into a new story you will see a real shift in your reality.

He didn’t have to be the boy with the bat even if I wanted him to be. I could hold my own bat, and I was, that wasn’t his role and I shouldn’t be putting that role on him. I even had someone else in my life who didn’t need to be asked, he just picked up the bat and held it firmly.