I was putting away the dishes from the dishwasher. As I carried the glass bowl toward the drawer where it belonged, it slipped from my hands and smashed on the floor. The glass shattered into millions of pieces as I gasped for breath and stood paralyzed against the counter. I searched for breath, while unable to find it. With every attempt at breath I looked at shattered pieces of glass on the floor thinking about the shattered pieces of his life. As I searched for breath, I searched for your life. My eyes darted from piece to broken piece and I felt like I was looking at pieces of your life. Eventually, breath went into my lungs and I let out a scream that didn’t match the broken bowl on the floor.
“Are you ok?” he shouted from the other upstairs.
Paralyzed in fear and reliving the death of my non-biological brother I attempted to scream “no” but nothing came out. I was pressed against the counter, gripping the edge of the counter as if it was life.
“Erin” he yelled from upstairs.
I gagged as I attempted to breathe, only to realize that I couldn’t. It hurt, as I attempted to take a breath, remembering the moments that I learned of his death. I fought for breath like I did the moment that I learned that he had died. I grasped the edge of the counter as the memories of being told that he died washed over me,
I knew that I was reliving the event because I couldn’t process it at the moment that it happened, but it didn’t make it any less intense.
As I became desperate for air I began to flail, taking steps and reaching for anything in sight. Suddenly a deep breath of air came into my lungs and I gasped as I regained control of my body.
“No” I screamed as my knee buckled and I held the counter staring at the shards of glass that were sprayed all over the kitchen.
I heard quick steps down the stairwell and into the kitchen as I heaved and searched for air. I held the counter and stared at the floor, my eyes were fixed but I didn’t see the floor, I only saw his funeral.
He rushed into the room and paused as he saw the volume of glass on the floor. Then, without speaking he launched into motion as he ran to the cupboard where the broom was kept. My eyes were fixed on the shattered pieces of glass, thinking about the shattered pieces of our lives in the days after his death.
“Don’t move” he said as he whisked pieces of glass away from me and into a pile.
I shook my head and arms as I relived his funeral.
“Babe” he said sternly to me. It shook me from my trance, “yes” I said back,
“You are bleeding” as he pointed toward my leg.
I looked down, unable to separate the broken glass from the loss of my brother.
“What?” I asked as I looked at the blood running down my leg.
“You are bleeding," he said as he pointed toward my leg.
I know, I thought to myself as I looked at the stark red blood running down my leg. I just lost my brother, how could I not be bleeding? I wondered. I stared at the blood as it dripped into the floor from my body. I felt nothing. I stared, blankly and unemotionally.
“Babe” he yelled at me.
I looked up, in a bit of shock. We made eye contact and I stayed locked into this energy,
“You are bleeding” he said as he pointed at my leg.
I looked down at the blood and got lost in the memory of his death again. Once again, I couldn’t breath and I started to move my body frantically searching for air.
“Babe” he said with concern in his voice.
Nothing. No air. No breath. No life. As I relived his death. Suddenly, I gasped for air and found it.
He dropped the broom and started walking towards me. I pulled back, unable to go anywhere as I was already pressed against the counter. He paused, recognizing that I was lost in a memory.
“Baby” he said gently.
My knees buckled as the reality of the loss of my brother sank in. He grabbed me and held me tight.
I gasped for air and moaned.
“I have you” he said as he held me mid air. And, he did, as I relived the loss of my brother and sobbed into his chest.