“I know something that you don’t know” she said in a mocking voice with energy that felt manipulative and caddy to me given that she was in a mentoring role and I was a student who was practicing a technique on her.
I immediately felt my energy pull back to myself and away from her. I felt an immediate shift inside of my body that felt like a form of self-protection and disempowerment. I acknowledged the sensations happening inside of my body. The sensations were cold, small, shaky and contracting as I felt myself pulling away from her. Some part of me felt like a turtle, pulling its head back into its shell and hiding. It took me about 2 seconds to fully feel the sensation, acknowledge what it felt like in my body and then I took a deep breath and felt another shift. This shift felt like empowerment, it was hot and expansive, it was strong and solid and unwavering. It felt like a lioness, sitting perfectly still in her power. My awareness shifted back to her and away from me as I felt my body relaxing into confidence in who I am. This wasn’t my bullshit and I wasn’t afraid of standing in it with her. I said nothing in response. I allowed my energy to stay out with her and not in with me. My energy felt solid, strong, confident, consistent, and expansive as I held space for her to feel what was happening inside of her.
“Let’s just feel that sensation, let’s just be with that. What does that feel like inside of your body?” I asked as I felt myself energetically lean into her.
Her head began to shake slightly and then her chin jutted out. “Do you feel your head shaking?” I asked.
“Yes” she said.
“Can you just allow that to happen? Can you just slowly allow your head to shake and your chin to jut out?” I asked. “Bring all of your awareness to your chin and your head and feel it” I said.
Her chin began to quiver and she bit her bottom lip. A single tear ran down her cheek and then a flow of them came as she burst into tears and felt the depth of her insecurities.
Later in the day, I created silence to process the experience. I allowed the time and space for me to fully feel what I was feeling in the session and the shift that had happened. My job is to keep my energy out with the person who I am working with and not pull my energy back to my own experience. I can’t support someone in their experience if I am caught up in my own and yet I am still having my own experience. By creating the space to process my own experience later in the day, I am honoring both her and myself. As I processed the experience, I realized that I was projecting my insecurities on her. She was showing up authentically and it was my own insecurities that thought that it wasn’t fair for her to bring the “manipulative and caddy” energy. It wasn’t “manipulative and caddy”. I was insecure and that was my work to do, she was doing her work and I needed to do mine.