“There are very few people who I could have heard that from” she said.

I nodded while maintaining the intensity of the energy that she was meeting with me.

“I would have walked out that door” she said as she pointed to the door and broke eye contact. I felt my body relax as she softened her energy. “I really needed to hear what you just said to me”.

I nodded as I held her, energetically, and I felt her let go of the control that she had been holding inside of her body.

I stood contemplating what he said to me. I was standing still and waiting and couldn’t understand why he was asking me to wait because I wasn’t going anywhere. I was trying to understand if there was something that I was doing that was causing him to feel like I was leaving him.

A huge part of my job is to be a “hollow bone” when holding space for someone else. My job is to be as clean and clear energetically and emotionally as possible. It is what allows me to hold my energy “out” with the person(s) who I am engaging with rather than “in” with my own emotions. If my energy is “in” feeling my own feelings then I can’t possibly have my awareness “out” with the people who I am engaging with, and where my awareness should be.

“I don’t want to hold any divine masculine energy right now.” I stated clearly, understanding the root of what was happening for me. I had been immersed in deep business planning activities for 2 weeks. My days were filled with structure, stability, and production.

When I paused to ask why I was experiencing this, I had gotten a strong message that my eyes did not want to wear makeup. My eyes wanted to be enough, just as they were. I hadn’t realized that wearing makeup was telling my body that it wasn’t enough, the natural form that it came in somehow wasn’t enough, but as I sat with the message it made so much sense.

Six months later, I sat in meditation and this memory came back to me. It hit me like a freight train on a dark night and I felt sidelined by it. When he said that it was our job to hold the vibration of the container, what he was saying was that it was our job to titrate the participants nervous systems by using sound and vibrational healing which would create the purge of survival energy stuck in the participants nervous systems.

“You make it sound so simple” she said. She slid down from the reiki table and stood up. She stretched a little and then smiled at me and looked me in the eyes “thank you” she said in a way that my soul received deeply. 

The place that I was in and the knowledge that I had was exactly where I was meant to be, I didn’t need her to validate that for me, I didn’t need to wonder if she was judging me in any direction, I didn’t need to fear her feedback or my own flow, I simply needed to be exactly who I was in that moment and allow that to be true and right and perfect for that moment. 

During our somatic session she was able to see that her body was holding onto a fear of dying. This made complete sense to me given the magnitude of her accident. As she released the survival energy that she had been holding in her nervous system from the accident I was able to watch her physical posture shift and move out of protection and into surrender. 

He rushed into the room and paused as he saw the volume of glass on the floor. Then, without speaking he launched into motion as he ran to the cupboard where the broom was kept. My eyes were fixed on the shattered pieces of glass, thinking about the shattered pieces of our lives in the days after his death.