“Erin, you are beautiful. I just saw a soft side of you.” She said, with a lightness that was palpable.
I smiled back gently at her, “thank you” I responded.
“It is nice to see the softer side of you. All that I have seen is your intensity.” she said.
The words hit me like a freight train. Everything inside of my body shifted and rejected the sensations that were coming through. There are so many soft sides to me. I spend my day with one foot on both sides of the veil. I spend my day with one foot in intense and one foot in nurturing. I am both parts and if you spent any amount of time with me, you would know that. There are so many soft sides to me. My reaction was solidly about me and not her. Her comment came from a kind place and I knew it. My reaction was about a wound that existed long before I met her.
I sat with her comments for weeks. I picked her words apart. I picked apart the way that I show up in social settings, in work settings, in personal settings. I picked apart the way that I felt about past experiences that were similar. I picked apart all sides of it and how I felt about it. Did I need to change the way that I showed up? Did I like the way that I showed up? Was I being true to who I was with the way that I showed up? She triggered an old wound for me, something worth exploring and something that I was grateful to sit with.
Weeks later and many long meditations and tearful thoughts later, I landed in a solid place with the topic. I feel really solid in the way that I show up, it is authentic and feels like alignment. I needed to heal the part of me that cared how other people feel about the way that I show up in the world. Maybe my intensity is too intense. Maybe my softness is too soft. Maybe both are exactly the way that I am meant to be and the way that I express them in the world is exactly the way that I am meant to. Maybe the only response that I should have had back was “Thank you” and meant it. So, I started practicing it. Thank you for seeing my softness and thank you for seeing my intensity, I like them both and I will proudly stand in them both.
