Suffering

We were deep in conversation about suffering and their attachment to suffering. It wasn’t a pattern that they wanted to continue and yet couldn’t seem to break out of the pattern and cycle of it. They had looked at where the pattern started in this life, they had completely unpacked the experiences that led to this pattern and understood the experiences deeply. They had looked at a past life where they had died in a profound form of suffering for standing solidly in who they were and how they wanted to love. They had a full understanding that this was a pattern that they came into this life to heal and transmute but just couldn’t break through the pattern in their lived experience. We explored the stories that they told around suffering and had multiple times spoken through how to change these stories and how to create new pathways in their brain. On this particular day, we were talking about how they had a story that suffering was noble, which they fully owned and also laughed at, knowing that the story doesn’t serve them. 

We drifted back into conversation about a past life that they had accessed and experienced again. They were saying how frustrating it was to have died like this. 

“What is the point? So, I died and suffered and now I carry suffering around lifetime after lifetime trying to break out of it” they said.

We spoke through how they were standing for love in that life and ultimately were tortured and killed for the way that they wanted to love. That they were part of a collective shift that was happening and continues to happen.

“So, you are saying that suffering is noble” they said to me with a laugh.

“No, promoting change is noble and suffering was simply a byproduct. Change is very fluid energy and suffering can be very stagnant energy, what if you rewrite the story that you tell, that change is noble and suffering is simply a byproduct that we get to move through.” I suggested. 

They closed their eyes, put their hand over their heart and nodded. Even if their mind didn’t fully understand, their heart, body and spirit understood what I said and got it.

Shower

Every chance that I have, I delay taking a shower for as long as I can. Most days, it happens well before 6:30am but on any day that I am able to stay in my nighty and stay unshowered until mid-morning, I feel like I am beating the system. I feel like I am winning. On days when I make it to the middle of the day, I feel like I hit the lottery, the big jackpot. It is magick, pure magick.

On one of these magickal days, I looked at that pattern inside of myself. Why was I putting off my shower? Why did I derive so much joy from not showering until late in the day? Why is my nighty such a deep form of comfort for me? The answer floated into my reality like the smell of fresh cut grass on a steamy summer morning. I adore down time. I adore not being on a schedule. I adore the energy of allowing and not pushing, which is a bit ironic because I often find myself on a schedule and pushing. So I sat with it, in my unshowered body and all of the joy that I was experiencing. It is a form of inviting this type of energy into my reality. It is a way of celebrating and asking the universe for more of it. It is a way of bringing attention to it and leaning into it. As I sat in silent meditation looking at the pattern I realized just how relaxed I was in my body and how it invites divine feminine energy, the energy of being and not doing, the energy of flow, the energy of creativity, the energy of sensuality and sexuality, the energy of passion in a gentle form. It was something that naturally happens for me without trying. As I slipped between worlds, between spirit and body, between meditation and presence with the human experience I realized that the divine feminine energy of slowing down and being, puts me solidly in spirit which is my favorite energy to sit in. 

Isn’t it impressive how our habits and patterns can promote what we want to lean into? When we understand ourselves and why we do the things that we do it allows us to be more purposeful with our energy, time, and our way of showing up in the world.

So, if you find yourself celebrating a pattern in your life, I invite you to explore the pattern more deeply and what you are really seeking in life. 

Chickens

I was in the chicken house saying good morning to our chickens and bringing them vegetable scraps from the kitchen.

“Good morning girls” I said as I walked in.

They met me with a lot of noise and came running to check and see what their breakfast would include. As I tossed the vegetables into the ground I continued to chat with them.

“Are you having a good morning?” I asked.

I walked towards the water bucket to dump it and get fresh water. I walked past one of the chickens who got scared and rather than running she stomped her feet in place and then squatted down. I have had chickens for most of my life, I was raised on a farm and then made the conscious choice to continue farming. I had seen chickens do this many times before and it always made me laugh but today it hit me differently. I stopped and looked at her, she was squatting on the ground and shaking a little making it clear that she was nervous. What an ironic presentation. I am scared so I will freeze in place and have a dramatic body presentation to show you how scared I am. I stood looking at her, “I am not going to hurt you baby, I am just getting you fresh water” I said. Eventually, she stood back up and walked away to find more leftovers from our kitchen, yet I still stood still watching her and pondering what she was showing me. How often in life do we have fear that makes us paralyzed? How often do we stop in our tracks and hunker down in place, shaking but not actually protecting ourselves? How often do we put our lives on hold, stand still in life and shake? How often is the universe bringing us fresh, cold, yummy water to drink and we are paralyzed in fear?