I walked out the door of the grocery store and was hit with a blast of warm air. Immediately, I could smell the mix of essential oils and incense that penetrated my body from a day of working with clients.

For a moment, time stopped. I slipped back into a memory from dating a man multiple years ago. He had come over after work to visit and when I met him at the door for a kiss he said, “Oh, you smell like grass and goat piss”. I can still feel the sensation in my body that washed over me as I intensely shifted gears from excitement to see him to disappointment that this was the kind of man who I was willing to date. He was pompous and often made rude comments to me and would then tell me that I needed to learn to take a joke rather than taking accountability for the way he showed up in the world. He didn’t need to like my essential oil, he didn’t need to like my spirituality, and he didn’t need to like the way that I showed up in the world, but the mixed messages were confusing. It was only after I had broken up with him that I could see it clearly despite the fact that there was a large neon blinking sign that he held up every time he was with me “I like you, but I just want to change everything about you.”

My family and friends never could understand what I saw in him. He wasn’t a bad person, but he clearly wasn’t for me. Having said that, he was a really important part of my journey. He was where I regained confidence in who I was. It was with him that I learned to really like myself. It was his constant disapproval of me that allowed me the space to pick myself over and over again. I understand that from the outside it didn’t look like I was picking myself. It looked like I was dating a man who belittled me constantly, but on the inside I was exploring myself deeply. With every degrading comment I was making choices about changing who I was or picking who I was until one day, I picked me and never looked back.