I was easily able to identify that I was mad, that wasn’t hard to determine for me. 

“I am mad” I stated clearly. But there was more to it than that and I knew it. It was one thing to identify the anger but what was the other emotion that was with the anger that I was feeling?

She broke out into giggles as she bit part of the mozzarella stick and played with the remaining bite between her lips. She looked from side to side, trying to show her food to anyone who would notice. The remaining bite sat gently between her lips as giggles exploded from her body.

“Don’t tell your wife” I heard her say in a whisper despite the fact that his wife wasn’t anywhere around. I was in the same space as them and couldn’t help but overhear their conversation. The woman had been telling her friend about a family friend who was going through a divorce. 

“Ok, I won’t” he responded awkwardly. 

“It is just that she is really judgemental and I know that she won’t even try to understand their situation” she said. 

You see, I am just not that girl. I am not the girl who you go to see when you want gentle energy. I am not the girl that you go to when you want to go an inch deep. I am not the girl who you go to when you want to avoid yourself and your bullshit. I am not that girl. I never have been that girl and honestly I can’t see that I ever will be that girl. I am the girl who you go to when you want to change your life.

I took some deep breaths, recognizing that I was ungrounded. I locked eyes with him as an attempt to stand grounded but it didn’t work. While my eyes stayed locked with him my energy drifted far from my body. I realized that I had been speaking but had paused mid-sentence and now couldn’t remember what I was even speaking about.

It wasn’t discomfort in the sales process that made me want to vomit, it was their approach. I listened to them time and time again approach people with insincerity and play on their need for validation. They would throw empty compliments at people and then tell them how they needed to buy these books, they had single books and then bundles of books. As the day progressed my dislike for their sales strategy only increased.

I arched my back and then twisted side to side hoping that I would relieve the discomfort between my shoulder blades. The pain had been there for a couple of weeks and as a physical therapist I knew that I had done nothing mechanically to result in this pain. I knew that the root of this discomfort was energetic and that no amount of stretching would change it. 

“Why do you even look at her social media” I asked in a blunt way.

She giggled and wiggled in her chair displaying her own discomfort with herself. “I don’t know, I guess to torture myself” she said back with a nervous energy in her voice.

I knew that it was likely going to sting. I knew that it would likely make her recoil. I knew that it would make her heart hurt and ache a little. I knew that she would feel excluded and a bit abandoned. I knew that it would hurt and there was no part of me that wanted to hurt her, truly. I care about her deeply and would never want to intentionally or unintentionally hurt her.

He purchased a reading at the expo and I knew from the moment he walked up to the booth that he would be different to read. He sat down and said “no pressure, but I have walked all the way around this expo and came back to you because I knew that you would read me best and would tell me something profound”.