Tick Tick

Tick, Tick, Tick

Tick

Tick, Tick

I was cozy in bed with the blankets pulled up tight. I had just crawled into bed when the ticking of the heat turning on started. As I lay there in the silence of the night listening to the ticking of the heat I began thinking about a prior version of me. 

I began thinking about the woman who would lie in bed at night, cold and shaking, and praying that the tick tick of the heat would start. 

I began thinking about the woman who allowed her man to determine the temperature of the house despite the fact that I was paying the heating bill and more than half of the household bills. 

I began to think about the woman who was told that if I wanted to be warm, I simply needed to exercise for a couple of moments and that having the heat on was a waste. 

I began to think of the woman who woke up one morning to a house temperature of 40 degrees, and I could see my breath. 

I began to think of the woman who worked from a cold home all day while he went into a heated and warm office, yet didn’t want me to be comfortable at home.

A warm, wet, salty tear ran down my cheek and into my mouth as I gently cried for that version of me. I wasn’t crying because of what happened. I was crying because I had allowed it. I don’t blame him, not even a little. Do I like how he behaved? No, but I don’t blame him. I am fully responsible for allowing myself to be treated like that, and I am fully responsible for staying in the relationship. As I lay in the darkness I cried the tears that I didn’t feel safe enough to cry back then. 

As my tears stopped and my breath began to calm, I noticed that my arms were tightly clasped around myself, I had been hugging myself while I cried. 

“I love you” I whispered to the younger version of myself. That version of me has created this version of me. I wouldn’t be here, the person I am today, if it weren’t for the things I had gone through and the lessons I learned along the way. I wouldn’t be me and I love this version of me.