If you want to be held

I need support differently, I thought as I sobbed. I am not your average woman and yet, I am. I am very average. I am just like so many other women.

I can earn my own money.

I can raise my own children.

I can clean my own home.

I can make dinner.

I can wash the dishes and the clothes.

I can get the boys on the bus to school.

I can pay the household bills.

I can tuck the babies in bed.

I can manage my emotions.

I can manage my children's emotions. 

I can single mom while running a business. 

I can meet my own needs and support myself in all of the ways.

I can even recognize that all of these fierce forms of independence are a trauma response. 

What I struggled with, was letting someone hold me. 

What I struggled with, was letting someone in on all of the levels.

What I struggled with, was handing my world to someone and trusting that they won’t harm my world or me.

As I gently handed over the control that I had desperately held for years, I recognized just how uncomfortable I was and I offered love and compassion to the parts of me that were uncomfortable. I repeated to myself over and over again, if you want to be held, you need to let go. With every tear I let go and allowed myself to be held.