I had a million things that I could have gotten accomplished. As a mother and a business owner there is always something that needs my attention. There was laundry to fold. The floors needed to be mopped. The chickens needed to be fed. A podcast needed to be recorded. Social media posts needed to be made. I am sure that someone would have loved to play connect four or go for a walk. But, instead, I remembered my goal. I remember the inner work that I was doing. I remembered the word that I was working with this year. Commitment. Commitment to myself, my family, and my business.
So, instead, I slipped out of my nighty and into the hot tub. A huge part of what I was missing was enough time alone with myself. Enough time in the middle of the day, when I had energy to work on myself. Enough time being in divine feminine, not doing and not producing.
The first couple of minutes I was aware that my mind was very active going through all of the items and tasks that needed to be accomplished. I recognized the pattern inside of myself and brought my attention away from mind and into body. I noticed the sensation of the cold air on my shoulders and ears that were out of the water. I brought my attention to my toes as I wiggled them in the warm water. And then, mind came back knocking at the door and asking to be seen.
“Oh, heyyyyy! I see you mind” I said. “Unfortunately, we need to take a break right now.”
I brought my awareness back to my body and then into my heart. I started focusing on the sensations happening inside of my body and my emotions. What was I feeling about taking this time for myself and where did I feel that inside of my body? I wasn’t sitting in toxic positivity and lying to myself about what I was feeling. I was being with the truth of what I was feeling at that moment. The truth was that I was feeling guilty for taking time for myself. So, I just allowed myself to feel the guilt. I didn’t try to push it away or allow my mind to come back and reason with guilt, I simply felt it. I soaked in it, as if guilt was the water in the hot tub. When I allowed myself to feel it fully, I felt it shift. I took a spontaneous deep breath and then relaxed into the experience as my body let go of the guilt. I sank deep down into the hot tub allowing as much of me as possible to be immersed and felt the energy of contentment wash over all of me.