Everything in my heart, mind, body and soul were tired. Everything. Part of me wanted to cry and part of me was too tired to cry. I finished picking up the dishes and house after putting the boys to bed. I didn’t want to sleep necessarily, I wanted to rest. I wanted to not hold space for anyone else. I wanted to feel balanced and aligned and quiet. I wanted to be alone with myself. I had felt off for days and hadn’t been able to put my finger on what exactly was going on for me. So, I created a nest of pillows on my bed, curled up with a soft blanket, started a podcast and closed my eyes.
It was in the act of prioritizing myself that I got an immediate answer to my feeling “off”. I wasn’t valuing myself. I was feeling overworked and underappreciated but it was my own fault, this was only on me. I wouldn’t even think about blaming anyone but myself. The people in my reality who were triggering me were only triggering me because it was a mirror for me. It was an example of how I did not value my own time, my own energy, the quality of the work that I do, my ability to create and hold space for people, my ability to create community, my ability to create an environment for healing.
I was off because I was not respecting myself. I was not valuing myself.
Immediately, I said “well, shit.”
I pulled the blanket up over my shoulder and felt my body relax. “I promise to value you” I said to myself, to all of me. “I promise to be better. I promise to see you. I promise to hear you. I promise to respect you and value you.”
