My son was saying that he didn’t want any steak because it wasn’t the kind of steak that he liked. To be clear, he had not asked for any steak; it was simply being offered to him.
“Ummm, no thank you,” he said and glanced at me.
I knew it wasn’t easy for him to disappoint someone, especially someone he cared about. Of all of my children, he was the one who struggled with disappointing people the most. He and I were working hard on him being ok with voicing his own needs and desires, even if someone else didn’t like them. It is important to me that my children are able to voice their wants, needs, and desires without fear that they will be judged or shamed. I spend all day helping adults learn how to master this skill, and I am uninterested in raising children who people please and self-abandon if I can help it.
Now, having said that, I am far from a perfect parent, and I have no problem admitting that. There are countless things that I could do better as a mother. But I am trying to raise them in a way that they have enough self-worth and confidence and feel safe enough in themselves so that they can follow their authenticity and create a life that they enjoy. I think that a huge part of being able to live a life like that is learning how to voice your wants, needs, and desires without feeling shame.
He turned around and walked off with the plate of steak without saying a word to my son. I could feel my son cringe with discomfort.
“Mom, can I have a hug?” my son asked me. I knew he was seeking safety and validation that turning down the food wasn’t wrong or bad.
I hugged him and kissed the side of his face. “I love you, baby, and you don’t have to eat anything you don’t want to eat,” I said.
“I just don’t like that kind of steak, Mom,” he said, and I watched his lip quiver.
“Baby, you don’t have to explain it to me. I know you don’t like that kind of steak, and you don’t have to eat it,” I said as I kissed his cheek again.
“Thank you, Mom, I love you,” he said as he turned and walked away.
I spend all day working with clients who were never taught how to say “no” or “no thank you,” and I wasn’t willing to raise my children in a way that made them feel shame for their opinions, wants, needs, or desires if I could help it.