It wasn’t even 9 am and I had already done 3 loads of laundry, swept the floor, cleaned 3 bathrooms and done all of the dishes. I wondered to myself if I was clearing energy. I had observed a pattern inside of myself where I would clean my house each time that I was clearing energy blocks.
I truly wanted that to be the situation, but I knew deep down that this wasn’t the truth today. When I am clearing energy blocks, there is a calmness to the way that I am approaching the physical cleaning of my home but that wasn’t the truth of my energy today. The truth was that I was searching, I was wanting something, I was longing for something which told me that there was more to the story.
I finally decided that I would take some time and space to see why I was so frantically cleaning. I paused, I sat on my couch, crossed my legs, closed my eyes and drifted into meditation. A lump formed in the back of my throat the second that I stopped moving and sat in meditation. I swallowed hard and brought my awareness to my sensation in my throat. Within seconds, it became clear to me that I was cleaning because I was avoiding my feelings. I was avoiding sitting with sadness and grief. I was cleaning because I didn’t want to sit with the memories of what it was like when we lost him. I was cleaning because if my body was busy then I wouldn’t have the time and space to feel the depth of my pain.
Within a minute of closing my eyes for meditation, tears were flowing down my cheeks. I took a deep breath and asked myself if I was resourced enough to deal with the pain that I had been avoiding. Had I slept enough? Had I had enough water? Had I eaten? Did I have too much other stress in my life at this moment? I had learned long ago that if I wasn’t resourced enough that I would actually do more damage than good.
I took another deep breath and wiggled in my seat. It was something that I did to ground into my body. I knew that I was resourced enough to look at this trauma and feel my feelings around it. I pulled a blanket over my legs, bringing comfort and helping to access my heart. I noticed how supportive and good the blanket felt and allowed my awareness to stay there, grounding my energy and regulating my nervous system before I looked at the trauma. When I knew that my nervous system was regulated and that I was well grounded I took another deep breath. Then, I allowed my awareness to drift into the memory of the day that he died.