“I need space to process” I said. “I need to work through whatever is going on with me”. I knew that I needed time and space to do some deep inner work and somatic healing on myself.
“I don’t really understand what is happening right now but I love you and you can have whatever space you need” he responded with a fair amount of confusion in his voice.
I was full of fiery energy and feisty AF. I spent 2 days turbo marching around the house, stomping up the stairs, kicking my blankets off my legs because they were just so annoying, dropping things only to growl and swear, clenching my jaw almost continuously. I was absolutely full of piss and vinegar. It was more anger than I had accessed in a very long time and I wasn’t about to stop the process. To be honest, I wasn’t even sure what I was so made about. I just knew that I was mad. I knew that I was feeling it deeply and I also knew that I was allowing it. I was allowing my heart, mind, body and spirit to be as pissed as they all wanted and needed to be. I was sitting with the truth of the anger but not necessarily needing to understand why, I trusted that eventually my mind would understand if I simply allowed it to be there.
I did eventually fully understand why I was angry but that isn’t the point of this blog. After I allowed all of the anger to be felt, and ultimately purged from my nervous system it created the space for me to feel more peace, more ease, and more balance in my life. I had no expectations about what would happen when I purged the anger from my body. I just trusted myself and surrendered to the process. To be honest, it is good that I didn’t have any expectations. An expectation of what would come after the purge of energy may have distracted me from what actually came. What actually came was a life changing shift. What actually came, was one of the largest epiphanies of my life. What actually came was a download that changed my entire reality in a split second. What actually came was the pathway to the life that I desired. What actually came was massive clarity and direction.
The benefits of allowing myself to be angry and fully feel the sensations, emotion, and embody the postures that my body wanted to embody created one of the biggest breakthroughs of my life.
Days later, I was lying in bed with my husband chatting before going to sleep.
“I am just so grateful that I allowed myself to really feel all of that anger and purge it from my nervous system because without that, I don’t think that this breakthrough would be possible” I said as gratitude washed over my body that was curled against his.
“I guess I hadn’t even realized that those were correlated” he responded. Then, after a short pause “it makes total sense, I just hadn’t connected those dots”.
I lay there wondering how many times I had been unable to connect the dots between a purge of energy from my nervous system and then a large shift or breakthrough shortly thereafter.