“Try to take a couple of steps,” she said gently as she reached out her hands to me.
I reached out and grabbed her hands. She helped pull me to my feet which I felt shaky on. I wanted to sit back down, but her body guided me forward when I tried to retreat into a sitting position again, knowing that another contraction was coming soon.
Seconds after standing, the next wave of contraction came, and she pulled me close to her. I clung to her, and my head gently landed on her shoulder as the wave of contraction washed over my body. It was one of my first experiences of fully letting someone hold me, mostly because I had no choice. As she held my body and I leaned into her, I realized that this is what support felt like, this is what letting go felt like, this is what surrender felt like.
As the wave of the contraction dissipated, she motioned to my husband to come over to me. I took two more steps across my living room floor, and she handed me over to my husband. Another wave of contraction began to rise and wash over my body, and nature took over. I wasn’t capable of talking or expressing that I was about to give birth to my son; it simply happened. She knelt down on the floor and caught him as he was born with me in a standing position. She handed him up to me, and I gripped his body to my chest harder than I was holding my own body.
The night that my youngest son was born was the night that a new version of me was also born. It wasn’t my first experience of bringing life into the world and life into myself, but it was profound nonetheless. It was an experience that I will never forget for so many reasons. Not simply because it was the night that my son was born but also because it was the night that I actually understood what support and surrender felt like. The ripple effect in my life was transformational. The version of me who was unwilling to accept anything less than surrender and support was born.
People say that having a child will change your life, and I knew that to be true as I had given birth twice before, but never did I expect the shift that my son gifted me that night.
This week, he turned 10 and every single day I am grateful for the blessing of who he is and how he has changed me and the trajectory of my life.
And, for her? My heart explodes, thinking of what a profound gift she is to the world. Not only did she allow me to have my babies at home with complete confidence that we would all be safe, but she also taught me what it FELT like to be held, supported, and loved into surrender.