I had been taking a Somatic CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) certification training, which included multiple trainers who are among the leading practitioners in the country for healing trauma. The content was creating so much activation and life inside of me, and for the most part, I loved it despite the fact that it was a massive time commitment.
On this particular Saturday afternoon, I found myself disassociating from what was being taught. My mind would wander, and I would find myself lost in thoughts about other things rather than following along with the training. I used some of the somatic-based tools that I had learned to create more capacity in my mind to absorb the content, only to find myself disassociating again.
The content itself wasn’t overwhelming or triggering for me, which made me very curious about why I was disassociating. I realized that if I didn’t get to the bottom of it, I would miss the content for the day, and given that it was 6 hours of content, I really didn’t want to have to watch the replay. So, I closed my eyes and tuned into my body and the wisdom that it was holding. Within seconds of tuning into myself, the answer became so clear. The trainer on this particular day was wildly intelligent but the way that he was presenting didn’t work for me. He was literally reading from a textbook, except the textbook was located in his mind. He was sitting and spitting back content with a flat affect and with no connection to the group of people he was presenting to. While many people would learn from him very effectively, I was not one of them.
I kept my eyes closed and kept being present with myself and my emotions. As I held space for any and all emotions or thought patterns to come through, I realized that I felt like he was talking down to us. It felt like he was talking at us rather than to us. There was a clear difference between him and the other trainers. The other trainers were all very approachable, for me anyway. They were all warm and welcoming, and there was an energetic invitation to learn from them. For me, this particular trainer felt cold, condescending and unapproachable. I was able to acknowledge that this was simply my interpretation of him and that there were likely many other students in the certification training who were not having the same experience.
As I sat there, eyes closed and tuning into myself, I began to ask myself, who does this remind you of from childhood? The answer came quickly, and it felt like a freight train hit me. His unapproachable, condescending energy, where he was talking at me rather than to me, reminded me of my grandfather. A flood of emotions and childhood memories washed over me as I felt a tear roll down my cheek, and then, with one spontaneous large breath, my body relaxed.
I gently opened my eyes and grounded back into the course and the training for the day. While I still didn’t enjoy him or the way that he presented, I was able to be present and learn the content.
At the end of the day of training, I smiled to myself and realized just how powerful and empowering this work really is.