He walked towards me, and even from across the room, I knew that he was fighting back tears. I smiled gently at him and stood to walk towards him.
“Mom,” he said with a shaky voice.
“Are you ok babe?” I asked.
“No,” he said and then paused, “I mean, yes, but no”.
“What happened, love?” I asked.
He went on to tell me that a teenager at the trampoline park was being mean. He was calling him names. He called him fat, and he laughed in his face.
“Mom, I didn’t do anything to deserve that. I wasn’t even talking to him or interacting with him. I didn’t do anything, and he made the choice to be so cruel,” he said.
“I am so sorry, baby. That was unkind and you didn’t deserve that. I hope that you understand that his being mean has nothing to do with you and isn’t about you. Sometimes, people act yucky because they feel yucky inside. It shouldn’t happen, but it does,” I said as I rubbed his back and he fought back tears.
“Mom, am I fat?” he asked.
“No, you are not fat, babe,” I responded. It was something that he had been worried about for the past couple of months and he had focused on eating very healthy. While he isn’t overweight, he didn’t feel good about his body, which I understood all too well.
“How can I help right now?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he said as he stared at the floor in the posture of shame.
“Would it help if I spoke with the teenager?” I asked.
“Yes please,” he said.
Just as my son was getting up to go back to jump on the trampolines the young man walked out of the trampoline park and towards the area where his shoes and coat were. My son pointed to him as he walked away.
“May I speak with you for a moment?” I asked gently as I made direct yet compassionate eye contact. I knew that anyone who was bullying other children was struggling internally, and I wasn’t about to add to that struggle.
“Yes” he responded as he made eye contact back.
“You said some mean things to my son and really hurt his feelings” I said.
“No, I didn’t” he said.
I maintained eye contact and said “Yes, you did” firmly yet kindly and then went on to repeat what he had said. He looked away from my eyes and looked down at the floor. I watched his cheeks flush pink with embarrassment.
“I just want you to understand that your words have a real impact on people.” I said gently with compassion.
He looked up and made eye contact. “I am sorry that I acted like that” he said from a genuine place.
“It is ok but I want you to really ask yourself if that is how you want to act”.
He shook his head no. There was another boy who was there with him and he spoke up. “I am sorry too”.
“Thank you” I said back with a gentle smile. “I hope that you boys have a great night”.
As I walked away I heard them talking “I feel bad that I did that” he said to his friend. I wondered how many adults in his life were having open, honest, vulnerable conversations without anger and without the desire to shame him.