I couldn’t get myself into a place where I wanted to work for them. I had been doing some contract work and I had been enjoying it. I had worried that it would be complicated, given our history, but it truly hadn’t been. I was pleasantly surprised. The work felt good. The interactions were balanced and calm. I had known them for years and this energy surprised me.

Then, it happened. It was a split moment in time but it changed everything for me. As I read the email the only thing that I wanted to say was “Fuck off” or maybe it was “Fuck you” or maybe it was both.

There have been times in my life when I would lean away from difficult conversations, but I was far past that point in my life. I leaned into it. Well, first I grounded myself because I wanted to avoid coming from an emotional and ungrounded place when I responded. I rolled on essential oils, I did some breathwork, I went for a walk outside and I said the word fuck about 10 times, maybe 12. I typed a response to the email that was clear and open. Later in the day in a meeting I directly addressed the communication and why I didn’t like it. All that I needed was an honest response where he owned his shit. Instead, I got a bullshit response where he back- pedaled and told me that he meant something completely different. It was the most demotivating thing for me that he could have done. He completely lost me at that moment.

Two weeks went by and I couldn’t find myself motivated to work on their project. You see, I can’t work with energy and turn it off and on whenever it is convenient. It just doesn’t work like that. I can’t unsee you. I can’t unfeel your energy. I can’t find alignment where there isn’t. So, I recognized it and called it what it was. We were no longer in any form of alignment.