“Lunch is ready” she said and then went to get the rest of the participants from the workshop who were in different spaces resting between sessions.
I walked into the kitchen and could already feel discomfort in my body. I had some insight that lunch was going to be something that I didn’t like, but I had no idea that I was about to be brought back to childhood in an instant.
There were 10 containers set on the counter with tin foil covering them. “They are all of the same” she said.
I picked one up and walked towards Kevin who was sitting in the living room with a couple of other people eating. Dizziness washed over me making me feel like I might pass out. For a moment, I wondered if the dizziness was connected to energy work done in the morning session of the workshop but in my heart I knew that it was connected to the food. I looked down into Kevin’s container of food seeing a whole fried fish resting on beans and rice and the dizziness increased making me feel like I needed to sit down. I looked into Kevin’s eyes and took a deep breath, still thinking that I would be able to eat the rice and beans that the fish was resting on. I noticed that my hands and arms were shaking and then my lip started to quiver. I knew that there was no chance that I could eat any of the food. “I can’t eat this” I said softly to him. He maintained eye contact and shook his head yes.
I turned and walked back towards the kitchen to return my container of food and find other things to eat. I slid the container onto the countertop and realized that a flood of emotions were washing over me. I walked towards the fridge to find veggies, fruit and yogurt to eat and swallowed hard trying not to cry. Memory after memory from childhood washed over me. From family BBQs to playdates at friends houses to school trips where everyone was eating meat and I struggled to find food that I wanted to eat that didn’t include meat.
I stood with the door to the fridge wide open but I was lost in spirit and not even looking for items to eat for lunch. I wasn’t present with my body, I was back in childhood fighting back the exact same emotions. It was a combination of shame, guilt and embarrassment. As the memories washed over me like rapid fire tears welled up in my eyes and I realized that I was still standing with the fridge open. I picked some yogurt and fruit and veggies and walked back towards the living room. I sat down, still not present with my reality. I was back standing in McDonalds at a 1st grade school trip where my teacher was belittling me. I pulled money out of my pocket and explained that my mom gave me money to buy food that wasn’t meat. The teacher told me that I was going to eat the meat, that there was no reason that I couldn’t eat the meat. I was lost in the memory, feeling every emotion and sensation in my body as if I was really there.
“Erin, did you already eat?” a gentle voice came from across the room. I looked up and with a fair amount of discomfort in my body I awkwardly said “I am eating this. I don’t eat meat.”
“Oh, I thought that you would eat fish,” she said back.
My lip quivered and guilt and embarrassment sat deep in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t want her feeling back, I hated that I created this for people simply because I didn’t eat meat. It is a rare moment that I don’t have words, but these moments always make it hard for me to speak.
I went on to explain that I was sorry but that I just couldn’t eat the meal but that I had found food. I explained that my body often reacts fairly intensely when I try to think about eating meat and then I looked down at my plate wishing that I was not there and not creating this scene.
“I understand” my mentor's voice came from across the room. He went on to talk about his own experience with his body reacting after he stopped eating all meat except fish. I am always grateful for him, but in that moment I was so profoundly grateful that for just a moment the spotlight wasn’t on me and I wasn’t feeling the volume of discomfort that I was feeling worrying that I had upset the host or made her feel bad in any way. The conversation slowly turned to other things and my body slowly began to find peace and balance again.
I wasn’t sorry that I had the experience, it was clearly needed. The fact that at 40 I can sit in a living room in NC and instantly be brought back to a mcDonalds in NH when I was 6 tells me that there is more work to be done around that and that there is more trauma than I was willing to admit. It isn’t being vegetarian that I am struggling with, it is how other people perceive and receive my vegetarianism that I need to sit with. I thought that I was unapologetic about this part of me but clearly I have work to do around why other people’s opinions matter this intensely to me.