I knew that I needed comfort and so I went to my bed and curled up. I pulled the blankets over myself, rolled onto my left side, clenched my fingers into fists, curled my wrists in, pulled my  hands and feet in. My body was protecting itself. My body was talking to me, even if I wasn’t listening to me, it was talking.

For years, I ignored my body. When it would whisper, when it would talk or when it would yell. I would ignore my body. It isn’t something that I am proud of, but it is the truth. My mind would run frantically trying to process and understand something and my body would make it simple for me to understand, I just needed to tune in and give it a chance to communicate with me.

I lay curled in a ball, even my eyes were clenched, as I tried to process what had just happened. My body had a memory of this and was protecting me. My body was reminding me of what we had been through before. I rolled over onto my stomach where all of my female parts were completely hidden and protected. In that moment, feeling completely safe I was able to fully process what I had experienced. Once my body knew that it was safe I had the freedom to explore the experience and begin to rationalize and understand it. 

I have known for a long time that in safety we are able to explore things more deeply and more vulnerably, it is a driving concept within my business. It was interesting to watch this concept play out within myself and within my own experience. Face down, pressed solidly against my mattress, I felt safe. I felt safe enough to explore what my responsibility was and wasn’t within the experience. I felt safe enough to explore my own trauma response and the trauma response of the other individual involved. I felt safe enough to step out of fear and solidly stand in the vibration of love, where I could see the situation clearly. I felt safe. I am safe. I know exactly how to create safety for myself. I. AM. SAFE.