“Do you have any thoughts as to what it might be?” she text to me. She already knew what had changed, it had already happened. She was asking me because she was testing to see if I could get it right. If I could prove myself. If I could tell her what had shifted. She already knew, she just wanted to know if I could tell her without any information. 

Immediately I noticed that energy was flowing up my body. It was hot and quick. It was fiery and feisty. I noticed that my jaw was clenched and my eyes began to squint. As the surge of energy flowed through me, I decided to put my phone down. I knew better than to respond in that moment and from that energy. I also knew better than to suppress or shut down the feelings and sensations that I was experiencing. 

I allowed the fight response to move through me and I gave it a space to express itself. I ranted to myself and marched around the house accomplishing household tasks. When I noticed that the energy had begun to dissipate, I slowed myself down. Now that I was done feeling angry, I could allow myself to feel the other emotions that were present also. I was feeling used, I was feeling frustrated, I was feeling overwhelmed, I was feeling taken advantage of. She was the eighth person to text me in less than 24 hours asking me to tune into her and answer questions that she had. Not one of those people had intentions of reciprocation. They were all asking me to use my energy and my time to help them and not one of them was offering to support me in return. I felt used. 

So, I sat with that. I allowed myself to experience the emotion and sensation of feeling used. And, then, I asked myself how I was responsible for that. What part did I play in this scenario? What accountability did I hold? What did I own here? 

I was responsible for how I showed up. I was responsible for how I acted. I was responsible for how I responded. I was responsible for what I allowed. I was responsible for myself. 

So, I allowed this experience to be the experience that created change. I no longer felt the need to prove myself. I had done that to MYSELF which meant that I didn’t need to do it for anyone else. I know who I am and I don’t need anyone else to tell me who I am. 

“It takes time and energy to tune in and tell what is happening with someone. In the past 24 hours I have had 8 people text and ask me to tune into them what is happening. I am in a place where I don’t want to spend my time and energy like that. I am happy to tune in during our session and tell you everything that I see”. 

How she responded didn’t really matter to me. I had broken a pattern that I desperately needed to break. 

As I sat with myself after I responded, I thought about how anger often tells us where our boundaries are. Anger often is the part of us that loves us the most intensely. It is the part of us that demands that we are treated better, that we treat ourselves better.