We were discussing projection of emotions and spoke about the phrase “I don’t want you to be mad when I tell you this”.

The group discussed how it is unfair for someone else to project what they THINK that you will feel onto you. You may not have been mad at all, not even an ounce of anger around what they have to say.

But, what if you are mad? Do you not have the right to express that openly or to have that emotion? Does that other person not think that the two of you are able to work through whatever emotions arise? Do they not trust your relationship, whatever type that is, enough to think that you would be able to openly communicate through the topic?

I listened while also processing my own thoughts and emotions that were coming up as the other members spoke.

But, what if they didn’t think that you would be mad at all? What if they used that phrase because they were about to say something that felt scary or hard for them? What if they were really trying to express that they were going to say something vulnerable and that they were really asking you to be gentle with them? What if they were saying one thing but asking another? Whenever someone asks me that question or a form of that question, what I hear them saying is “I don’t feel safe, please be a safe space for me to say this and be gentle with me while I express something difficult for me”. I spend much of my day listening between the lines, it is a huge part of coaching for me. I listen to what someone says and then tell them what I think I heard them say and give them the opportunity to reflect and see if I heard that correctly.

Different members took turns speaking and when it came to her turn she articulated everything that I had been sitting there thinking. I smiled and thought, “I see why we are friends, we are on the same wavelength my beautiful friend”.