I was excited to be in a new container. I always like the mirrors that all containers offer me. A new container, specifically one filled with people as deep as this, seemed to offer me a mirror that is hard to deny and hard to look away from. 

We were speaking about needs and how sometimes we don’t even understand our own needs. For example, sometimes when we think we are hungry we are actually thirsty. It is confusing right? We have lived for years and years and one would think that our body would easily be able to tell the difference between hunger and thirst, yet….. Sometimes, it isn’t clear.

The group changed subjects and went in another direction, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t even close to following the conversation anymore. I was off, in my own world.  Fuck, was the only word that could come to mind. Just, fuck. How long had I reached for food when what I really wanted was connection? I was feeding the wrong part of me. The part of me that wanted to be fed was the need for connection. Fuck. 

Was it that my brain really didn’t understand what I needed? Was it that it was too painful to admit what I really longed for but wasn’t getting? What was really happening inside of my mind, heart and body when I was reaching for a dorito to replace the desire for human connection? 

Well……. Just fuck.