I kicked the ball, and it was the perfect pass. I began to celebrate and then my body responded in a way that I didn’t expect. I stood still, confused. Why was my body responding like this? Why was I leaning away and making myself small? Why was my body protecting itself? Why were my arms crossed across my chest, like a wall of safety? What was happening? 

I looked down at my body in an attempt to understand what it was telling me. My mind didn’t understand what my body was trying desperately to articulate. 

It hit me, like a shot in the darkest part of night. I stumbled back, rocked on my heels. For a moment, I couldn’t breath as my mind caught up and understood what my body had been trying to tell me. 

The color of my shirt said it all. In a moment, the story that I had created and been living in began to crumble. How had I been so blind? How could I not see this? The color of my shirt said it all. We were not playing for the same team. We never had been. How could I just now be  understanding this? 

Time froze as I flailed like a fish out of water. Desperately trying to understand where I was and what was happening. 

What was happening?

I took a deep breath as my mind caught up to what my body already knew and had been trying to tell me. A tear rolled down my cheek and soaked into my shirt, the one that I was still staring at. We were not on the same team, we never had been. This whole time, we had not been on the same team. 

My mind began to reason with my body. 

“You must be misunderstanding” my mind said.

“What?” my body asked.

“I tried out. I made the team. I paid the dues” my mind begged, trying to reason itself out of the situation. 

My mind was met with silence that was piercing and painful.

“Respond to me!” my mind screamed. “Don’t play with me, like I am a mouse being toyed with by a cat”.

Nothing. 

I was alone in my mind. 

There was no response. 

My mind let out one last cry for help, pleading to understand and control the situation. Then, slowly, my mind accepted what my body already knew. 

I looked down again, we were wearing different colors. We were not playing for the same team. I looked up slowly, catching the eye of the person who I had previously called my teammate, but the silence and blankness that I was met with was deafening. 

“I get it” my mind said feeling moderately embarrassed for being so blind to the situation. 

I put in my mouthguard and pulled on a helmet, both of which were new to me. I hadn’t had to play with protection before. I took a sip of water, regained my focus, and went back out on the field. It was game time, and now I understood who I was playing for.