“How can I help?” I asked over and over again in various different ways over a 2-month period. Each time, I was met with silence, avoidance, or some version of “we will let you know.”

I recognized the energy of “pushing” inside of me. I wanted to force something. I wanted to push and make it happen. I wanted to control. But why? Why did I need to force or push or control? Why couldn’t I just accept that they were not in a space where they wanted or needed or would accept help or support? 

The truth was that I loved them both, and I wanted to be involved and celebrate them. I wanted the excitement and happiness that I felt for them to be demonstrated in the physical form but doing something. I wanted to cook or clear or plan or help in any way that I could. Wasn’t it a funny thing? I wanted to physically express the energy that I was feeling inside of my body. I wanted to SHOW them how happy I was for them. I wanted to SHOW them how excited I was for them. I wanted to SHOW them how much I loved them. Isn’t being human a funny thing? It feels so good to express the energy of what we feel in the physical form. I am and always have been a fairly expressive person and this was no different. 

Then, my thoughts shifted to how many times people had offered to help or support me, and I had turned them down or told them that I would let them know if I could think of how they could help. How many people I had denied the ability to express their love and support to me. How many countless times I had said, “I am all set, thank you,” not deeply thinking about what that felt like for them. My inability to receive their love and support meant that they didn’t get the opportunity to give their love and support in the way that they wanted to express it. 

I sat staring at the long grass, dancing in the warm early summer breeze. It flowed freely, as a whole and also as individual strands of grass. It was beautiful to witness how the whole field would gently ripple together, like a wave in an ocean, as the wind blew down the length of the field. Much like the dance between giving and receiving, the wind and the grass played together, shifting directions as needed and dancing in the midday sun. 

Maybe I will allow people to help me more, I thought as I watched the wind shift directions and the grass follow it, flowing gently and fluidly in harmony.