“Come on, Mum” he said to me as we walked down the stairs. 

I paused and stopped walking which made him pause also. He turned around and looked at me. 

“I don’t like that” I said as he stared back at me and I recognized that he felt confused by my statement. I could see the innocence in his eyes as he searched to understand what I was saying in the two seconds that I took to ground myself so that I would speak calmly to him.

“I think that my answer was fair and reasonable. I openly set and communicated a boundary with you and it feels really yucky to me to have you try to pressure me into bending on this boundary. If you want to have an open discussion with me, you know that I will always do that but I don’t like it when you try to pressure or manipulate me.” 

“I am sorry Mum” he said as he wrinkled his forehead and squinted his eyes. I watched his eyes drop out of contact with mine and I watched shame wash over him.

“Baby, it is totally fine. You don’t need to feel bad. I am just trying to openly communicate with you. It took me a really long time to learn to respect other people’s boundaries and it is something that I wish  I had learned earlier in my life. I used to pressure people into doing things that I wanted rather than respecting that they knew what was best for them. I think there is a difference between having a conversation to understand where someone is coming from and trying to pressure them into having the same opinion as you. It is my job as your Mum to help you understand this.” There was no part of me that wanted him to feel shame, it isn’t an emotion that I use on my children to get my way. 

“Ok, Mum. I get it” he responded.

I smiled at him and grabbed his hand as we finished walking down the stairs. As we walked towards the car I thought about myself even 4 years ago and how I would try to pressure situations and conversations to go my way and I felt sorry for that version of me that felt like I always needed to push. I closed my eyes and sent that version of me love, knowing that she created this version of me that still sometimes likes to push. I then felt into the future me and allowed myself to connect with that version of me and the wisdom that she carries. I opened my eyes again, recognizing that if I wasn’t careful I would walk into a wall. I looked over at my son and he locked eyes with me.

“I really love the human who you are, baby” I said casually as we got into the car.