The first year that I lived in the home we played and laughed and flirted as we raked the leaves. I was madly in love with you and so happy to be building a life with you. I was blind to the absolute bullshit that would transpire. In that moment, I was letting go of any fear that I had about building a life with you and simply embracing love with you.

The next year, I raked the leaves by myself. Sometime I cried, but in a good way. I was finding myself and I was letting go of you. I questioned so much of myself and my life after you.  As I raked the leaves, I had space and the support from nature to process my emotions. Much like the trees, I was letting go. I was letting go of what I thought would happen, the life that I thought I would have with you, the love I thought that you were showing me. It was painful and also wildly healing. Tears fell as the leaves fell, it wasn’t good or bad, it simply was. It was a healthy part of life, just like the leaves falling in autumn is a healthy part of life for the trees. I was letting go. You still danced through my mind and I could see you in so much of my day. Not just in my literal home but in how I responded and reacted to things. Your energy was still printed all over my reality and while we were not together anymore I was still working on letting go.

This year, I raked the leaves with my boys. I didn’t ask them, they offered when they saw me raking the leaves. They laughed and joked and worked hard. They raked and embraced the family activity. I stopped raking and looked at them. I let go. Where once I held a lot of love for you, then I held a lot of pain related to you, and now I felt nothing for you. It was a defining moment for me. It felt like time froze as the reality of it truly sank in. The more I looked at my boys, the more I smiled and thought to myself, “I am glad that you are gone. You never deserved these boys and my love anyway”. Where once I had felt so much, now I felt nothing. I had let go.